How I get back: )

When the slaves do something I don't like, I really like to get my revenge. 

I like to go outside, but I don't want to spend ALL night out there; if I have to go without crunchies for too long I lose my temper. I can't handle when my stomach growls at all (which is why I eat all the time). I then have to over compensate for it by eating my morning breakfast (in a quicker manner than normal) and eat half a bowl of crunchies (fast as well).

The woman slave doesn't like vomit.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

I THROW UP ALL OVER THE CARPET TO SHOW HER HOW LIVID I AM THAT SHE LEFT ME OUTSIDE ALLLLL NIGHT.

Ha.

This last time, I threw up in a secret place >: ). Well not that secret, but it took her a few hours to find it. Normally I throw up in the living room, where it's noticable as soon as you walk in the door, but this last time, I threw up at the very top of the stairs. She wasn't impressed when she found it. I'm pretty sure the message I sent her was crystal clear.

Well it's off to play outside: ) BUT NOT ALL NIGHT.

LOVE

Male and female slave recently found my hoarding spot for all things sparkly and shiny, not that it was something I was embarrassed of (well maybe for all the tin foil balls there), I was actually pleased, because now I have the toys back that I LOVE. But don't tell anyone that I love anything. It might ruin my reputation.

These are other things I love:
My special breakfasts EVERY morning, ON TIME (aka WHEN I WANT IT)
Thinking I am being so sly and sneaky (blending in with the concrete outside and slowly moving toward a bird (when I think it's not paying attention to me)) while planning/participating in my next hunting trip.
Water with ice in it.
Hiding on the stairs (because I'm sneaky), waiting to launch out and scare the crap out of my slaves.
Trying to burrow under the Powder Room door; and also yelling at it.
Staring at the same spot on the wall for hours at a time.
Eating yarn.
Selling Cat Nip.
Eating Cat Nip.
Not being pretted.
Always being paid attention to (but not being petted).
Eating rubber bands.
Playing with rubber bands,
Anything having to do with rubber bands.
Obsessively walking in the same foot steps around the yard, EVERYTIME I go outside.
Being better than ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.
When the Male Slave pays attention to the Female Slave before noticing me.
Lurking in the bathtubs, waiting for an unsuspecting slave to walk in so I can launch at them.
Folding Laundry (aka- climbing into the dryer as soon as the Female Slave opens the dryer door).
Helping make the bed (extra points if I get made into the fitted sheet).
MY ottoman.
MY chair.
Watching Cat TV (aka- the bird feeder through the sliding glass door).
When my Female Slave rolls balls of yarn.
When I get treats.
Kneading on anything made of microfiber (it feels the best on my paws).
Laying on things that the Slaves refer to as 'uncomfortable'.
Pit'r Patter salmon flavored kitty treats (these are extra special and I only get them when I'm trying to be bribed, which is just one of the many reasons why I am stubborn).
Sleeping under the blanket with my Female Slave when she takes a nap.
Showing off my incredible muscles as I easily knock heavy items to the floor when I feel they are in my way and/or I feel I'm not getting paid enough attention.
Sushi.
Letting guests admire my beauty, but making sure they DON'T TOUCH ME.
Yodeling in the early hours of morning.


I'll finish this later, I'm in desperate need of a cat nap.


P.s. If anyone leaks that I love anything at all, I will take all 12 of my front claws and make sure you NEVER talk again.

I've been busy,

Which is why I haven't been blogging. Since I know I have so many fans, all whom are dying, wondering why my furry paws haven't been typing lately, I'll let you in on my busyness.

I've been napping.

I know, it's truly a hard job. Firstly you have to pick where you want to nap (I have too may options to consider: there's 6 cushions to choose from, plus one of the two ottomans, two chairs, the tile infront of the fire place, under the curtins, under the table, in front of my food dish, in a number of cabinets, on top of the washer, the rug in front of the kitchen sink, one of the 14 stairs, any one of the three beds, under any one of the three beds, in the slaves' closet, tucked under their sweatshirts or jeans, in either of the bath tubs, the chair in my slaves' room.. many more...), I just have too many options! Secondly, I have to find out how I can make it lumpier, because we all know, the more lumps, the more comfortable. My top preferences of the day are the notecards my woman slave is making for my man slave so he passes his promotion board (I'm crossing my tail for this because I want better treats), all three remotes, my woman slaves crochet patterns (which I slid all over everytime I turned over...I'm sure she'll forgive all the crumples I made; ) I mean I am VERRRY handsome), the basket full of yarn balls, and a wadded up blanket. They may change tomorrow. Lastly, sleeping is an art, once you've met where, and what, you have to find the perfect position to sleep in. I prefer sleeping on my back with all four paws in the air, exposing my furry tummy fur, with my head cocked to the side and my tail in a curly cue pattern. BEST NAPS EVER.

On that note... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Why birds are stupid.

About a month ago my female slave refilled the bird feeder that she so lovingly installed outside of my sliding glass door, that gives me the bird channel in HD! Every year the stupid birds come and feast on sunflower seeds and other stupid bird delights, while I meanicingly cat chirp and yodel from behind the glass, as well as drool. So far this year the stupid birds have let me down. Probably because I captured and ate one of their friends last year.. But seriously, that's beside the point. They just started coming into my back yard in the last few weeks, but only peck at the ground with their doofy beaks for worms and bugs, I think they think I don't notice they are out there... It recently snowed and there is still snow on the ground. Some may not know this, but snow does not lie. If you step in it, there will be foot prints/paw prints/dumb bird feet prints/etc. These feather brained beasts must think I am not aware of their presence, because there are stupid bird prints ALL OVER OUTSIDE BUT NONE THAT EVEN COME CLOSE TO THIS REDICULOUS BIRD FEEDER THAT I ENJOY WATCHING. I feel cheated by the birds this year. It makes me hate them even more. I plan on murdering more than one this year. Just wait birdies, I will EAT YOUR FAMILIES.

Gaurd Cat

So I just got done helping the woman slave weed my backyard. While she weeded, I protected her from objects such as flying dirt clods, old snapdragon stalks, rocks and the neighbors crappy "punt me" dog. I should also add now that I was REALLY high; we pruned back the cat nip bush. I couldn't help it. What can I say? I love me some cat nip! But this made playing gaurd cat 20.000 times more enjoyable. This also will help explain my way of gaurding. To protect her from dirt clods, I either ate them and/or playfully pushed them out of the way when she shook off the excess dirt from the roots. I ruined the lives of the snapdragon stalks; they are excellent sticks to chase! And I chased rocks into the lawn, far away from her!  But I did my best at warding away the stupid dog next door. Firstly, it's worthless people let it out as soon as my slave stepped outside and let it in when she went to the garage, and then let it back out as soon as she was out in the yard again (see why they're worthless..). All it apparently can do is bark in a stupid soprano pitch, which is even more obnoxious than a normal bark. I don't understand how it didn't die from lack of oxygen due to its non-stop barking action. Super annoying. Then it would come over to the fence, bark really hard and piss me off, so I slapped the fence hard, and the dog probably crapped itself, and then ran over to its tiny bit of concrete patio and barked from a distance. I'm probably going to take a dump in its yard later. My slave petted me and told me how great of a protector I am! Shortly after we dumped all the weeds out of her basket and went inside. She scared some pidgeons that nest in the gutter of the house next to mine, and they flew around making a ton of noise; I got scared and ran for the fence. Hey, sometimes ferocious kings get a little scared too!

My night

This is what my night entails EVERY night.  It never fails. My male slave gets overly joyed upon walking in the door and 'smothers' me with love. The below is proof. Animal cruelty?

Today-

Today my diet consisted of yarn. It's delightful and full of fiber. My woman slave thought it was funny, but I was starving because my crunchies were running a little lower than I like in my food bowl. Little does she know that I will poop out yarn later MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA >: )  -yes, cats do indeed use smilies.

This is my yarn eating experience. I do this quite often. I prefer real wool to synthetic. It tastes more like real sheep.